An emotional event.

So I decided to finally write down what happened to me 3 weeks ago. I look back and it all happened so fast and it seems so long ago but when I was going through it I felt like the ordeal was never ending.

My mom had come to town and was visiting and then we were expecting a snow storm on the 6th, the day her plane left, and so she decided to fly out a day early. She only comes to visit when I have babies since I am so far away and she is busy. But she had been on a cruise and it was a small fee to stop over in Baltimore for a few extra days so she could see me. it was wonderful. She came upstairs the morning of the 5th and told me that because she didn't want to get her flight canceled and not get home for a few days she was going to fly out that morning. I was sad but it was fine. Little did I know!!!!!

On the way to the airport I started occasionally feeling a cramp on my lower left abdominal. Right above my hip bone. I didn't think anything of it because it was so infrequent and it didn't hurt that bad. I dropped my mom off, the kids said they would miss her and then she was gone. It was Tuesday and  we got back home in time for story time at the library so we did that and the cramps were a bit more frequent and I wasn't feeling so hot because of it. We go home, get lunch and then it is nap time. By this point the cramp seemed to stay all the time and so I got out my hot pack and curled up in bed and took a nap. I felt better for it but the cramps were still there. I didn't want to take ibuprofen since there was always the possibility I might be pregnant and you aren't supposed to take it when pregnant. I also felt bad about the heat pack but I was feeling pretty miserable at this point. The cramp was never ending, no matter what position I was in. Chris got home and I told him I was just going to sit on the couch for the rest of the night and he was on his own with the kids. He said okay because he is wonderful like that. At this point I was paranoid that something was wrong because this had never happened and the cramps were feeling as strong as labor pains, but off to the side still. So I thought, maybe it is a kidney stone? Eventually I decided that couldn't be it because the pain was way too low. Then I thought, maybe constipation? I have had that happen before and it was miserable though I didn't remember it feeling so much like a menstrual cramp. Then I had the scary thought that maybe it was an ectopic pregnancy? Either way, it was too late in the day and I couldn't do anything so I just decided to put up with the pain for the night though lots of prayers were said. In my heart though I really felt like it was a pregnancy that was going wrong.

The next morning we woke up to snow! Lots of snow and lots of flights were cancelled so it was good that my mom had left when she did.... I guess... I was miserable because I had hardly slept because I hurt. It was like having middle-strength contractions that never ended! It was miserable! So I decided I would go to an urgent care and get a test done to see if it was a kidney stone or constipation but before that I just wanted to rule out ectopic pregnancy by getting a pregnancy test and having it show me a negative. So I braved the watery streets (they were plowed and just melty all over) and got one and went home and Chris and the boys were outside playing (I convinced Chris to take the day off because I was going to be trying to figure out what to do and the pain was making it hard to be a mother) so I went inside, did the test and voila! I was pregnant! Not what I wanted but at the same time I just felt like that was what was going on.

I called my doctors office but due to inclement weather it was closed and I talked to the doctor on call and set up an appointment for the next day (Thursday) because I was pregnant, having cramping pain where I shouldn't and convinced something was wrong. So I tough out another day at home on the couch with my hot pack and I finally caved and gave into ibuprofen. The tylenol just was not up to snuff.

Thursday morning Chris helps me get the boys ready, helps get me ready and then he goes to work and I drop the boys off at a friends house and then I go to the doctors office. I had a pelvic exam and an ultrasound and lots of talking. Because I had just had my period 3 weeks prior Dr. Sun thought it was odd that I already showed a positive on the pregnancy test so we did an ultrasound, trying to find out if we could find anything. There was nothing in the uterus, a cyst on my right ovary which made it easy to find and then they just could not find my left tube or my left ovary. She was of the opinion if there was something growing there that they would be able to find it but she wanted me to get some blood work done to see about how far along I was. She called later that afternoon and let me know that my quant was 3400 (my hcg/pregnancy hormone level). With a level that high they should have seen something in the uterus if there was something there but since we absolutely didn't see anything there she was starting to strongly suspect an ectopic pregnancy and gave me the run down on what to do if it was and all of a sudden my tube burst during the night. Scary stuff! At this point I had asked Chris for 2 priesthood blessings and the first one said that this trial would soon be over though I felt like it was taking forever already, though it had only been 2 days at this point. Then the second one said that all would be well and I would be healthy again and that Heavenly Father knew me and what I needed and that He and my family were there for me. And I had been saying so many prayers. I was just so worried that my tube would rupture and I would die and leave my husband and children alone! It was scary. I don't fear death so much as I fear leaving my family behind when they still need me so much.

Friday I went in for another doctors appointment and it was another sleepless night. I had not had a break from the cramps since Tuesday night. I was miserable. I was tired and emotional and I knew in my heart that there was a baby somewhere but that I was not going to get to keep it. We did another ultrasound and this time they found my left ovary but there was still nothing anywhere. Nothing! I had never ending cramping and I was so miserable and emotional at this point! I have a wonderful husband and friends and family who were there for me and a Heavenly Father too but I was just so tired of it all and wanted the pain and ordeal to be over and the fear of having a burst tube over! I talked to Dr. Sun and was going to do another quant the next day (Saturday) as long as I didn't rupture. But at this point she was very concerned for an ectopic pregnancy and even though she couldn't find it, it could still be there because they grow abnormally and might be small and not easy to spot but still cause me to have high hormone levels. So I went home, not being any closer to an answer.

That night I just couldn't handle the pain anymore. I was so upset! I think at this point is where I went and said a prayer on my own and asked for comfort. I had been praying for it when this all started and had been receiving it whenever I needed it. If I started to freak out that I was going to die, Chris and I would pray and I would feel almost instantly calmed down. If I started to freak out because the pain was just too much, we would pray and I would feel an ease, if not cessation. At this time I prayed for comfort to know what to do about the baby. I wanted to be done but I didn't want to kill it. Dr. Sun and I had talked that if the baby was still growing and it wasn't in the uterus, we would probably need to end the pregnancy and as long as I hadn't ruptured, I could have a shot that would target it and abort the baby. I would never want to abort the baby except that if it threatened my life and wasn't viable anyway because of where it was trying to grow. It wasn't the baby's fault or mine, just a mishap that happened to the two of us. At this point I was very upset over losing the baby because I wanted it and I didn't want to kill it but knew it wasn't going to be able to join us on this earth. After I said my prayer I just had this amazing impression that this baby didn't need any more time on earth, that it got its body and was already in heaven. Which was heart breaking but at the same time thanks to the plan of salvation, I also felt so much peace and love and had such faith and understanding that some day when I get to heaven that I would get that baby and I would get to raise it just as I would have here on this earth if the pregnancy had been viable. I felt so much peace at this thought that I was ready.

So, at 7 p.m. Chris and I went to the hospital because I was so tired of hurting and not sleeping and not knowing if my life was in peril and I was ready to make the choice to abort it if necessary and didn't want to wait a whole weekend or a day to do it. The doctor on call was wonderful and talked to us lots on the phone and would always quickly let us know when results were in. We were there for 7 hours, doing one thing or another and waiting and it took forever but I was feeling so much better about the whole thing, even if I was still hurting. She let us know immediately when she found out my quant, which had dropped to 1400. Which was great because it meant that my body seemed to be actively miscarrying, so at that point she was sure we wouldn't need the shot. Which was wonderful to hear. Then we got the ultrasound and they found a "mass" on my left ovary. We won't ever know what it was but there is always the possibility that it was the baby and if it had been trying to grow there and that is why I had my cramping in that exact spot. The pelvic exam was painful but not so painful that she was concerned that I was going to rupture so we left the hospital at 3 and went home knowing that it was almost over.

All day Saturday I still had cramping and that night the cramping finally stopped! It was wonderful. But come Sunday morning I woke up in so much pain. It wasn't cramping at this point. It felt more like muscle soreness. Imagine a muscle being cramped with no release for 5 days and then finally relaxing. The doctor I talked to and saw Tuesday told me it was cramping but he was an idiot because I knew at that point what cramping felt like. But no idea what it was. If I was sitting and doing nothing I felt great. But I couldn't do that because I have children. Chris went to work Monday and I sat on the couch doing as little as possible that day with the boys. I dreaded picking up Warren. When I had my pelvic exam on Tuesday the idiot doctor felt on my right side and it felt fine, my uterus in the center was pretty sensitive and then he touched on my left side and it was so excruciatingly painful I started crying. He told me it was nothing and that I was fine. I told him (in my head) that he was an idiot. He continued to tell me everything that I had been through the last week was nothing. That I was healthy and fine and I should be happy. I wanted to smack him. He was the one in the office that day so that is why I saw him but I will NEVER see a male o.b. again because he was an idiot and could not understand what I was going through. It was not nothing. Idiot. I am still so bitter and angry at him.

Anyway, Wednesday was a bit better, Thursday was better, Friday was better and by Saturday I stopped hurting unless I actually touched my left side. Snug waist-line pants were very uncomfortable. Sunday I felt better and Monday I didn't feel anything. It took almost 2 weeks before I had stopped hurting. It was long and miserable and I have a new found sympathy for those who have chronic pain. It is not fun to never be able to be relieved of that burden. Emotionally I am still a little wacko some days but I feel fine more often than not. It was a lot of emotion and trial packed into a short while but I feel like I came out strong in the end. I might not be pregnant any more and I am sad about that. We don't want our children spaced this far apart but I know some day I will get to have that baby and raise it up. I would prefer to still be pregnant and have the baby inside of me still, but it makes the emotional recovery so much easier to know I will get to have it some day.

Stairs

In our house we have the stairs to the basement but they are closed off by a door into the kitchen. I hate having that door there but it has been a big help keeping Warren from falling down the stairs since he started crawling. We have been working with Warren for the last 3 months though to get him to do the stairs. At first we were just teaching him to go up the stairs which he seemeed to have a hard time with. He just never wanted to raise his knee up high enough to actually make it up. And he didn't know what to do with his hands. The second month and the third month have been teaching him to go down backwards and the third month has also been trying to get him to start going down the steps feet first. I don't remember when Tristan started doing steps but I feel like he didn't have as hard a time as Warren is and Dallin did steps great early on. But Warren has just been fighting us on the initial approach to going down the stairs. He always goes at them head first and puts his hand on the step and realizes that it is far down so he pulls his hand back up and screams for us to take him down. I have been working and working, trying to get him to understand that he needs to go feet first. Two weeks ago we made progress! If I turned him around he didn't start screaming at me and he was okay with me putting his foot on the stair and then he could go down them without too much problem. But then we had the issue of getting him to turn around. Yesterday though was a break through! He wanted to go with Chris down the stairs and so he crawled up to them and overshot his mark and got on his tummy and shimmied backwards. He ran into the wall so Chris had to help place his feet but it was pretty exciting to have him do that. And then today I was coming down and he followed me and he knew immediately what to do! He got into position and put his foot down and went down all the stairs in such a short time. It was wonderful! Soon I won't worry about him on the stairs at all and he will be able to do it all on his own. I can't wait! My baby is growing up. The crazy thing is that when Dallin was Warrens age I was expecting Tristan in 3 months and when Tristan was Warrens age I was expecting Warren in 7 months. And now Warren is a year in two weeks and I have no baby expected... At this time.

Hoppers

Yesterday the boys and I went to Hoppers Bounce House. They LOVE bounce houses and so does Chris. I am indifferent, but that is probably because I spend my time talking to other mothers and following Warren around. But the boys had a great time and I had one of those happy/proud mothering moments.

We were just getting ready to leave and I told the boys they could do one more bounce house and then we were getting shoes on and leaving. So they decided to go into a bouncy one (rather than the slide or obstacle courses). They are bouncing and having a good time and then Dallin starts singing ring around the roses and he finishes singing and having a good time bouncing. Tristan walks up to him with arms outstretched and asks Dallin to do it with him. So they grab hands and jump around singing it really loud together and then they all fell down. Then they happily got out of the bounce house, shoes on and coats on and then we left, without any fighting or complaining. It was one of those happy mothering moments. I have to keep thinking about it because today with Dallin was one of those unhappy mothering moments. I still love him though!